Monday, September 27, 2010

It's a Hard Knock Life...Good Thing I Know How To Brush The Dirt Off My Shoulda...

So today is kinda a blah day in the world of Holly. Which is a rarity. Usually on my most boring blah days I am still able to fit in some excitement, like almost getting arrested for posing on a cop car or getting kicked out of Wal-mart for trying on Hannah Montana clothes in the middle of the children's section. (Note to self: I definitely do not fit into a size 6 in the little girls department no matter how hard I suck it in...and I need to stop getting into situations that involve police.) Looking back...those days turned out to not be so blah after all. This day? This day will end shitty. I just feel it. You know how you can just tell at around 4 pm that your day is not gonna get any better so you just throw in the towel and do dumb shit the rest of the day, like organize your rubber bands by size and THEN by color. Yeah...one of those days. And that is just at this general moment. Ask me in five minutes how I'm doing and I will probably ask you to explain to me why I have a little turd of a stuffed animal buckled into the backseat of my car:

True story. Its cute though, so I let him ride. Even though he looks absolutely terrified to be in the car with me. Not that I blame the guy. I tend to drive like Ricky Bobby on speed with a slight Tourettes problem jamming to Highway to Hell in the rain with no wipers or lights on. Or license. That said, seat belts are a must. And I refuse to pay psych bills for anyone who gets post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of riding bitch with me...

 So why am I feeling shitty? (Note how I went from blah to shit-tasmic?) Well, it's been a few minutes since I said that and I have now momentarily forgotten the original reason. I'm not bi-polar. I may be ALOT of kooky things. But bat-shit-blink-of-an-eye-mood-swings-that-have-me-flipping-out-with-a-bottle-of-bleach-and-some-razor-blades-at-the-drop-of-a-dime is not a tendency I harbor. Unlike my nutcase of a step-mother. But I'll play nice for now... BACK to the topic at hand...(Told you guys I have adhd tangents)...Why in the world is my perpetually happy ass shitty today? PEOPLE. People annoy the piss out of me and piss me off like crazy. Not on a daily basis. Not even on a hourly basis. But minute to minute. Maybe customer service is not the best job placement for me. But I'm good at talking sweet and solving the problems for the customer while deep down I'm mentally plotting this on them:
                           

 God I love google maps :) In case my boss reads this, I want to say first off that this is a pic of my old place...(I hope to the heavens that my old slumlord was there when I mentally bombed/deposited horrible creatures at that hellhole)...AND, beautiful boss, I can multi-task perfectly, so there is no need to fire me for these thoughts. Or call the company shrink. Not that it would help...I'm immune to that mumbo jumbo...HOWEVER..there might be a couple coworkers of mine that could benefit from some QT with a professional and maybe some crazy pills...just a opinion...

Anyways...basically what I'm trying to get across here...even though taking time out to giggle over creating the above pic probably took more time than me writing this entire post out...Is that people need to relax. Its not that deep. Seriously. Flipping over a $38 dollar purchase you cant remember making but swear we are trying to stick it to ya about when you have $30K sitting in your damn bank account. SHUT UP. I'm sorry you were so hopped up on your anti-depressants that you forget about stopping in our store in Santa Monica last Friday to purchase some hand towels. Hey, guy behind me wigging out because I'm driving like a maniac?!? Guess what? I'm a crazy motherfucker on the road. But I don't ever drive drunk. So stop waving your imaginary gun at me and count your blessings. Could be a hell of a lot worse...I can drink Jack like we are in the middle of a drought... And oh yeah...now i remember why I initially became so shitty...You, stupid boy that was a little bleep on my dating record and hardly memorable other than the laughs I got over describing your pathetic attempts to hook up with me to all MY friends at work...you, little idiot man, that randomly decided to text me out of the blue to tell me "gratz" on my "egocentric blog" and for being your first "fat chick"...yes you darling...thank you for annoying the piss out of me for no reason and fueling my blog post/rant today. I love how your life is so horribly lame that you feel the need to text this "fat chick" just to congratulate me on all my greatness. Haven't been called fat in ummm...NEVER...so congratulations on your originality and wit. Perhaps I do seem a bit on the heavy side compared to someone whose 6ft 5in frame weighs in at 145 lbs AFTER staying off the meth and self-induced food deprivation. Guess what, honeybuns? You can suck my cahones. Because I deleted your number weeeeeeeeeks ago. Just like I deleted the...*shudders*...memory of your skinny ass trying to feel me up. So "gratz" on making it into my new "egocentric" blog post. I write it for me. Not for you. And I feel great now that I have. Fucker.

Oh, and my current boyfriend, real man that he is, loves how I look and makes me feel like this:     



And in that scenario, I have no qualms with being the chubbers on the right. Look at how damn happy I am :)

11 comments:

Corey said...

sadly every word after "shit-tasmic" lost all credibility as that one word is the star of this show...I salute u Skeet Toast

Holly said...

Yes, This did make me Laugh indeed.

Kimmee & Gavin said...

Jeeze, somebody's ass is chapped.

Kudos to you, Holly, for turning your goofy gal perspective into something productive and entertaining.

Jessica nan said...

Love Love Love it :) Therapy's for schmucks !

Teddy Graham said...

Corey...im a genius with words...i know :)
Kimmee...my ass is def not chapped...nothing wrong with a little rant every now and then to set someone straight since they enjoy my blog so much haha
And Jessica...thanks so much for reading and enjoying! Definitely check back in for more posts, I have subscribed to yours! :)

Larissa said...

Totally entertaining stuff. You & I could get into so much trouble together if we were friends. xD

Teddy Graham said...

Larissa...I need a good partner in crime!!! Imagine the shenanigans :D

Laoch of Chicago said...

I quite like your blog.

Sartre once said that "hell is other people." I think that really is an understatement.

Teddy Graham said...

Laoch...definitely agreed. People will literally drive me nuts one day. Its a good thing im a horrible shot. And don't carry a weapon.

Dread Pirate Davi said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, and inviting me to yours. Based on this post alone, I am now a fan. I'll try not to stalk you, that would be weird. =P

Teddy Graham said...

Davi...I totally love stalkers.
I could stalk you as well...but it wouldn't really be stalking then..more like mutually obsessing maybe...?
Regardless...thanks for reading :)