Friday, August 19, 2011

The Term Slacker Doesnt Begin To Cover It....

I'm going to try to be serious for this post and get something out in the open here. I have commitment issues. Procrastination problems. Slacker tendencies so bad its pathetic. I'm sure friends reading this are nodding their heads in serious agreement (Shannon P.!!!). Its painfully obvious. Not so much with relationships - the new ***sparkler*** on my left hand is evidence of that - and I never have a problem with work or friend commitments...But everyday nonsense I just don't want to do, things I should really make more habitual, goals that I have for myself?....Can't motivate myself to save my damn life. Setting my clothes out the night before work so I'm not scrambling around the next day like Dennis Rodman prepping for a LGBT fashion show? That didn't last past the first day of the first grade. Going running every morning so I can get my ass into better shape? Suuuurrrrrre...if I'm not hungover, sleepy, tummy achy, crampy, cuddly, whiny, or thinking there might be the slightest inclination of rain. Learning more Spanish so I can maybe get a leg up at work and actually be able to converse with half the clients I speak with on a daily basis? That's a joke. I got far enough into my Rosetta Stone to order a tequila on ice and ask where the bathroom was before deciding that it was all I needed to know and that my time could be better spent watching zombie movies...(I want to be prepared). And oh yeah, continuing to write my blog at the very least twice a month so I can vent a bit and give my friends a good laugh? Well lets see here folks...I started writing in...September of last is now August of this year...and I have 4 notches on this bedpost. *Ridiculous*. And I could easily go on with the list of quickly fading fascinations. It's not that I don't find these activities important in my life. I would benefit greatly from actually doing what I commit to. Its making the time to DO them when I have a bazillion other more interesting or "important" things to do like pretending I have a mustache or googling every mundane question that pops into my head...that's where the problem lies...


First off, being more organized and prepared in terms of my clothing is just never going to happen. Sorry future hubby, but my clothes will ALWAYS be on the damn floor more than in the closet. You did get down on one knee for me so I'm gonna assume this isn't a deal breaker for you. Obviously me being a potty-mouthed lunatic sometimes isn't either ;)  Taking time out to learn another language when the four years I took of it in high school obviously didn't stick? Yeahhhh not enthused. Hard to convince myself why I should be wasting my time learning a little espanol all over again when I could be absorbing how to defend myself against a zombie apocalypse. Lets just say I have read the manual a time or two. Personally I plan on playing defense and tripping up any fatties around me when the time comes to make a run for survival...but that's just me. And getting a little cardio in before I start my day? I need to do it. I really do. I want to be able to chase my future kiddos around our yard...not be gasping for air because MOMMY had too many beers in her glory days and cant keep up with a 5 year old. In all honestly I blame my bed for my chubs. Its just unfairly comfortable. I can get in a good 8 hours of sleep on a linoleum floor if I want to...(by linoleum I mean bathroom and by good sleep I mean no-sleep-with-frequent-bursts-of-nausea)...but a heavenly pillow top mattress with fresh sheets and a gorgeous half naked man lying next to me is just more goodness than I can drag myself away from. Add that in with the fact that my neighbors have turned my morning jog in my shortie shorts into a *spectator sport*...I don't go to sleep until 2am due to my aforementioned current horror movie fixation...and the embarrassing fact that my fiance can easily lap me and hardly break a sweat when he goes jogging with me, despite the fact that he is a few years older than me...It's damn near a lost cause. I have however perfected a way to assimilate with the zombie nation WITHOUT running away from them, so I feel somewhat victorious in that respect.


Clearly I have also perfected the art of excuses. Me and 99% of our government. *Ba-Dum-Dum* Ahhhh crack myself up...But unlike them, I don't do it for money-grubbing, self-entitling, hateful-ass reasons. I just decided at a young age...(probably around the time I started dressing myself and realized trying on clothes is more fun than picking them up off the floor)...that life is too short for me to waste time doing things that don't make me happy. I'm a wanted woman. I have fiance...fur babies...a home...bills...bottles of wine...etc...all needing my time and attention. Unregrettably, time-consuming things that I need or want to do typically take a backseat. Like writing my blog. BOO. I know. Sucks balls to be a grown up and work and pay bills and shit. But I would honestly rather live like this than be like some people...that i won't name....that are my age, working part time at hollister, still living with momma, and getting shit-faced while dancing on bars every weekend. OK OK...that last bit is a lie. I would LOVE to get drunk as hell dancing on a bar like a tramp, but I'm a klutz. And klutz + alcohol = disaster/humiliation X 100000. That and the fact that despite my wild child ways and lack of a decent upbringing, I like to think that I do have some morals and class. And "WOOO CLASSY LADY!!" is not the first thing that pops out of my mouth when seeing women like that. Nor do I think my honey would have felt the urge to put a ring on it if his future wifey liked to play skank on the weekends. Can't turn a hoe into a housewife. True story. I have seen it put to the test...fails miserably/hilariously. But back to my point, I'm seriously seriously seriously going to work on getting a blog out every two weeks. Just need to motivate myself better. Maybe prioritize a bit. Ease off the wine & hooker-slashing-movie habit. If I start slacking again, rough me up a little. Give me ideas or rants or opinions on what to blog about. And plan to see some upcoming fun blogs. Things have changed a bit in recent months. Started a kickass new job. Began home renovations. Had a crazy fun summer. Traveled a little. Brainwashed my poor boyfriend into thinking I was stepford-wife-material. Plenty of new awesomeness to share and rants to get into...leave me some comments & let me know what you think. xoxo


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Winter Is For Masochistic Jerks...

If you just L-O-V-E snowy winters....relish in watching those first fluffy flakes falling from the sky...count down the days until you can tuck your jeans into your little furry boots and get a matching scarf & gloves set...JUST SAVE YOURSELVES SOME ANNOYANCE AND STOP READING THIS POST NOW. Seriously. You will think im a whiny southern brat after reading this. Or dislike me even more than you already do. Impossible right? Not at all :) Unlike most people living in the mid-west, I have no qualms with admitting that I HATE the snow. The winter. The Cold. Ice. Slush. Frost. All of it. I loathe it. With a deep murderous passion. If I was rich...I would literally find a way to scientifically end the change of seasons that deprives me of my flip flops, t-shirts, and back-yard barbecues. I would propagate zoning all cold territories as burial plots - seeing as to how I feel like dying every time I look out the window. I would buy a deserted island and live my remaining years in my own Margaritaville. Searching for my last shaker of salt. (If you don't know, then ya don't know. RIP: Jimmy Buffet) Selfish of me? Sure. But that's part of my charm ;) Want evidential proof of my obvious disdain for all things wet and cold?
This is me the first time the snow started to fall...On the left: Me looking glamorous per usual...On the right...Me after apocalyptic snowfall....
                 *Glamorous*                                                                                   *Ridiculous*

Needless to say, I was not jumping for joy while making snowmen and igloos in my front yard. My hair fell makeup slid right nose was running like i had been on a week-long SNOW binge...the good kind of snow...Know what im talking bout friends? The kind of white powder people actual enjoy? The frost that can make you forget what fucking SEASON it is...? *(Side note: Do not take side-view pictures of self while wearing color contacts. I look like a cock-eyed idiot. Pathetic. Oh, and don't do drugs. I have been told that they are bad for you. Not that I would know personally or anything...Seriously, mom.)

Don't get me wrong. It is pretty to look at...when its on a freaking postcard. But when it is interfering with my choice in drive to work-outs...letting my dogs social life...grilling poor cars health...MY own personal already chaotic mental state...THAT is when I start to have a problem. And the worst part of it? Its a sneaky little bastard. OH YEAH! It gets warm out...then the temperature turns sunny again...then its back on with a vengeance. Do you like fucking with me WINTER?!? Killing my hopes of a early spring? Teasing me into thinking its okay to bring out the sandals and capris...only to give me the finger and another 6 inches of crap!?! OK...that last bit was a lie...Capris are for douchers. But you get where im going with this. It sucks. I only brave it when I absolutely have to. And agreed to play in it just once...only to pummel my younger brother and sister in a snowball fight.
I seriously massacred them:

HA HA! Victorious!

Okay...okay...I cannot tell a print....I technically made them lie down in the snow and act dead for about ten minutes until I got the perfect picture. But in my defense...they were moderately warmly dressed...and they did gang up on me and crush my snow fort. Ok...thats a lie too. Me and my sister actually ganged up on my brother until he forfeited during a game of human bowling. Kids these days give up so easily. Its not my fault he is slower than us and more fun to watch cry. He should have been wearing gloves anyways. I would have given him some but one pair wouldn't keep my hands warm enough so I had to wear two. Regardless, that was probably the most enjoyment I got out of this mess. Sliding through a intersection during a red-light in my car? Terrifying. Falling on my ass because I forgot to salt the drive way? Embarrassing AND irritating. Having to pick up puppy poop all over my house because it is too cold to correctly house train my new puppy? Don't even get me started. I don't know how something so cute and tiny can continuously defecate something so disgusting and *vomit-inducing*. The intake to output ratio of this thing should be physically impossible. 1 cup of food is somehow equaling 1 lb of poo!!! How do I know this? I weighed it. Yeah. I get my facts right kiddos. Serious business here. really...But I swear that's on point. Luckily...I got smart and realized that if I don't pick it loving and adoring boyfriend will. YAY! He thinks she just has an over-active poo-factory in there...and that even though I "pick up poo all day long"...there are new piles everywhere when he gets home. Mwahahaha. Besides, how can you even be mad at something that looks like this:   

(Baby...I just want to say that me saying I don't pick up poop was totally untrue and ummm I think maybe we should take her to the vet or something because as much poop as we COLLECTIVELY pick up...I think something may be wrong with her or something...Also...I was misinformed...Jimmy Buffet is still alive and well. I verified this at a scientific database. My bad. Just hadn't heard ANYTHING from the "leader" of the Parrotheads since uhhh...before I was born.)

And by the way...the lack of blogs over the past few months was due to the fact that the only thought processes I had were suicidal ones because of the damn weather. NO ONE wants to read those ramblings...not even me. But  thankfully, I started drinking Rockstars again and feel MUCH better :) Until next time...