Friday, August 19, 2011
Posted by Teddy Graham at 4:34 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Don't get me wrong. It is pretty to look at...when its on a freaking postcard. But when it is interfering with my wardrobe...my choice in footwear...my drive to work...my work-outs...letting my dogs out...my social life...grilling out...my poor cars health...MY own personal health...my already chaotic mental state...THAT is when I start to have a problem. And the worst part of it? Its a sneaky little bastard. OH YEAH! It gets warm out...then the temperature plummets...it snows...it melts...it turns sunny again...then its back on with a vengeance. Do you like fucking with me WINTER?!? Killing my hopes of a early spring? Teasing me into thinking its okay to bring out the sandals and capris...only to give me the finger and another 6 inches of crap!?! OK...that last bit was a lie...Capris are for douchers. But you get where im going with this. It sucks. I only brave it when I absolutely have to. And agreed to play in it just once...only to pummel my younger brother and sister in a snowball fight.
Okay...okay...I cannot tell a lie...in print....I technically made them lie down in the snow and act dead for about ten minutes until I got the perfect picture. But in my defense...they were moderately warmly dressed...and they did gang up on me and crush my snow fort. Ok...thats a lie too. Me and my sister actually ganged up on my brother until he forfeited during a game of human bowling. Kids these days give up so easily. Its not my fault he is slower than us and more fun to watch cry. He should have been wearing gloves anyways. I would have given him some but one pair wouldn't keep my hands warm enough so I had to wear two. Regardless, that was probably the most enjoyment I got out of this mess. Sliding through a intersection during a red-light in my car? Terrifying. Falling on my ass because I forgot to salt the drive way? Embarrassing AND irritating. Having to pick up puppy poop all over my house because it is too cold to correctly house train my new puppy? Don't even get me started. I don't know how something so cute and tiny can continuously defecate something so disgusting and *vomit-inducing*. The intake to output ratio of this thing should be physically impossible. 1 cup of food is somehow equaling 1 lb of poo!!! How do I know this? I weighed it. Yeah. I get my facts right kiddos. Serious business here. OK...no...not really...But I swear that's on point. Luckily...I got smart and realized that if I don't pick it up...my loving and adoring boyfriend will. YAY! He thinks she just has an over-active poo-factory in there...and that even though I "pick up poo all day long"...there are new piles everywhere when he gets home. Mwahahaha. Besides, how can you even be mad at something that looks like this:
And by the way...the lack of blogs over the past few months was due to the fact that the only thought processes I had were suicidal ones because of the damn weather. NO ONE wants to read those ramblings...not even me. But thankfully, I started drinking Rockstars again and feel MUCH better :) Until next time...
Posted by Teddy Graham at 4:49 PM
Monday, September 27, 2010
Posted by Teddy Graham at 1:29 AM
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Somewhere between scooping ice cream into cones for tyrannical kids to being a hostess and eventually a waitress, I realized I had to eventually grow up. Granted, I hadn't yet graduated from high school...but I knew life had bigger plans for me than making $6.75 an hour plus the occasional tips/ass-grabs while working in the restaurant industry. It was time to be an adult. Spread my wings. Put on my big-girl panties. Or be adult enough to decide not to wear any. Not that that's anyone else's damn business. But I was evolving. Deepening. Switching gears. And I needed my career to be a reflection of the woman I was becoming.
---(While writing this I'm waiting for my Chinese food to be delivered....can you believe they charged me a 7 dollar delivery fee!...yeah, guess who is soooo not getting a tip.)---
Furthermore, I have a great job. Not the kind that I go skipping into the office everyday. But the kind that pays the bills. Has benefits. Gives me every Friday and Saturday off. I dig it. I dig the fact that getting off at 10 pm and not having to be in until 2pm gives me adequate time to get over my long-island-iced-tea-induced-hangover. And I dig getting along with everyone I work with...mostly. I know there are probably a couple people i work with that wouldn't think twice about pushing me and my smart mouth in front of a bus...but I'm sure my own parents have thought about that more than a few times... But even more so, I dig having my own "office"...if you can call it that. I would have more room working out of a prison cell at Guantanamo Bay and I would probably have to watch my back less...but between the hours of 2 and 10pm, this little 4ft x 6ft cubicle is my home. (Actually I would definitely have more room for my professionalism...their prison cells are 6.5ft X 8ft...lucky fuckers...) Anyways, calling it my office is just me using creative liberties. Me creating a office door for my cubicle was an extension of those creative liberties:
Posted by Teddy Graham at 9:58 PM
Sunday, September 19, 2010
So this is my first post. I want it to be exciting. Titilatting. Fireworks-worthy. But i'll settle for finished.
First off, I feel like maybe I should introduce myself to the 0 to 5 people/random strangers that might ever be so bored as to stumble across my blog. Hello. Im Teddy. No, its not my real name. But having the last name Graham and having worked my youth through a public school system, my classmates decided to be inventive and original and nickname me "TEDDY"......wow. The brains of the world united to create that one. Nicknamed after a sweet snack cracker. I don't even like "Teddy Grahams" to be honest, but you can't exactly pick your own nickname so thats what I got...and it stuck...and was better than the one time I was referred to as Nutter Butter....or the Pull-Out Bandit.
I'm chatty. Way too chatty for my own good. But I have alot of thoughts. And im not sure how it works with humans, but I remember someone telling me once that there are types of animals that can die if their brains get too big. Maybe they were lying. Maybe they were fucking with me. But it made an impression on my young mind. So as to NOT die from an inflated mind, I chose to randomly release thoughts and deflate it a bit. Working in customer service is a great way to chit-chat with people, but unfortunately, i'm only allowed to talk about espresso makers, what kind of knives are great for cutting steaks, and why the customer was charged shipping on their order. Not about the time I stole a baby chicken from the state fair...but more on that later.
I am also a pain in the ass. I know this. Not because of the many times I have been told this, but just as a sense of self. Im aware, okay? Im stubborn and tempermental and think im the shit even though I acknowledge that there are way cooler people than me out there...Like, Robert Downey Jr and iJustine and the main charactor from "The Ladies Man". Not Tim Meadows, but the "Ladies Man" Leon Phelps. If a man every tries to pick me up by saying something super classy like"Hey, can I buy you a fish sandwich?"...well, that will be the man for me.
I type the way I think. If you are still following me at this point then I am amazed because I know how I go off on tangents...and then forget what I was talking about in the first place. But thats just part of my charm. Another part is that I am super picky about things that I eat, clothes that I wear and people that I associate with. I eat, dress, and associate with people depending on my mood at the time. If I feel like eating a gyro at 7am...you best believe that I will be making a trip to the grocery store and praying that it can be microwaved. If I feel like wearing a dress with blue jeans, rain boots, and a cowboy hat, then guess who is going to work dressed like a insufferable 5 year-old? This girl. And, if I don't like someone, they will know about it. Nearly instantaneously. Conversations usually go like this:
Annoying Person: "Hi, im <insert annoying person's name here - usually something like Brittany but spelled in a random dumb way, like Brittoni>, Ashellie's friend. Nice to meet you."
Me: "Is that the American spelling of Brittany or the French spelling?" <--I like to be a pain in the ass and ask customers this question when they call in to place an order, even if their name is Bob or John. Their confusion makes me giggle.
Annoying Person: "You're totally funny! And I love the cute way you are wearing your dress over jeans. So retro! We should grab a drink or something sometime...do you like to Zumba? I try to fit it in between tanning and not eating...We should go sometime!"
Annoying Person: "Why are you walking away.....?"
It's just alot easier for me to walk away from people I dont like, rather than sit and ruin their low self-esteemed induced from too many nights of watching The Hills reruns with a pint of Chunky Monkey.
I don't have alot of friends that I hang out with on a normal basis. But thats okay with me. Im a bit of a loner, honestly though, I just prefer my own company to that of most people I know.
Oh yeah, and this is Nugget, the baby chicken I stole from the State Fair:
Posted by Teddy Graham at 9:13 PM