Thursday, January 20, 2011

Winter Is For Masochistic Jerks...

If you just L-O-V-E snowy winters....relish in watching those first fluffy flakes falling from the sky...count down the days until you can tuck your jeans into your little furry boots and get a matching scarf & gloves set...JUST SAVE YOURSELVES SOME ANNOYANCE AND STOP READING THIS POST NOW. Seriously. You will think im a whiny southern brat after reading this. Or dislike me even more than you already do. Impossible right? Not at all :) Unlike most people living in the mid-west, I have no qualms with admitting that I HATE the snow. The winter. The Cold. Ice. Slush. Frost. All of it. I loathe it. With a deep murderous passion. If I was rich...I would literally find a way to scientifically end the change of seasons that deprives me of my flip flops, t-shirts, and back-yard barbecues. I would propagate zoning all cold territories as burial plots - seeing as to how I feel like dying every time I look out the window. I would buy a deserted island and live my remaining years in my own Margaritaville. Searching for my last shaker of salt. (If you don't know, then ya don't know. RIP: Jimmy Buffet) Selfish of me? Sure. But that's part of my charm ;) Want evidential proof of my obvious disdain for all things wet and cold?
This is me the first time the snow started to fall...On the left: Me looking glamorous per usual...On the right...Me after apocalyptic snowfall....
                 *Glamorous*                                                                                   *Ridiculous*

Needless to say, I was not jumping for joy while making snowmen and igloos in my front yard. My hair fell flat...my makeup slid right off...my nose was running like i had been on a week-long SNOW binge...the good kind of snow...Know what im talking bout friends? The kind of white powder people actual enjoy? The frost that can make you forget what fucking SEASON it is...? *(Side note: Do not take side-view pictures of self while wearing color contacts. I look like a cock-eyed idiot. Pathetic. Oh, and don't do drugs. I have been told that they are bad for you. Not that I would know personally or anything...Seriously, mom.)

Don't get me wrong. It is pretty to look at...when its on a freaking postcard. But when it is interfering with my wardrobe...my choice in footwear...my drive to work...my work-outs...letting my dogs out...my social life...grilling out...my poor cars health...MY own personal health...my already chaotic mental state...THAT is when I start to have a problem. And the worst part of it? Its a sneaky little bastard. OH YEAH! It gets warm out...then the temperature plummets...it snows...it melts...it turns sunny again...then its back on with a vengeance. Do you like fucking with me WINTER?!? Killing my hopes of a early spring? Teasing me into thinking its okay to bring out the sandals and capris...only to give me the finger and another 6 inches of crap!?! OK...that last bit was a lie...Capris are for douchers. But you get where im going with this. It sucks. I only brave it when I absolutely have to. And agreed to play in it just once...only to pummel my younger brother and sister in a snowball fight.
                                                     
I seriously massacred them:

HA HA! Victorious!

Okay...okay...I cannot tell a lie...in print....I technically made them lie down in the snow and act dead for about ten minutes until I got the perfect picture. But in my defense...they were moderately warmly dressed...and they did gang up on me and crush my snow fort. Ok...thats a lie too. Me and my sister actually ganged up on my brother until he forfeited during a game of human bowling. Kids these days give up so easily. Its not my fault he is slower than us and more fun to watch cry. He should have been wearing gloves anyways. I would have given him some but one pair wouldn't keep my hands warm enough so I had to wear two. Regardless, that was probably the most enjoyment I got out of this mess. Sliding through a intersection during a red-light in my car? Terrifying. Falling on my ass because I forgot to salt the drive way? Embarrassing AND irritating. Having to pick up puppy poop all over my house because it is too cold to correctly house train my new puppy? Don't even get me started. I don't know how something so cute and tiny can continuously defecate something so disgusting and *vomit-inducing*. The intake to output ratio of this thing should be physically impossible. 1 cup of food is somehow equaling 1 lb of poo!!! How do I know this? I weighed it. Yeah. I get my facts right kiddos. Serious business here. OK...no...not really...But I swear that's on point. Luckily...I got smart and realized that if I don't pick it up...my loving and adoring boyfriend will. YAY! He thinks she just has an over-active poo-factory in there...and that even though I "pick up poo all day long"...there are new piles everywhere when he gets home. Mwahahaha. Besides, how can you even be mad at something that looks like this:   
 Zoey:

       
(Baby...I just want to say that me saying I don't pick up poop was totally untrue and ummm I think maybe we should take her to the vet or something because as much poop as we COLLECTIVELY pick up...I think something may be wrong with her or something...Also...I was misinformed...Jimmy Buffet is still alive and well. I verified this at a scientific database. My bad. Just hadn't heard ANYTHING from the "leader" of the Parrotheads since uhhh...before I was born.)

And by the way...the lack of blogs over the past few months was due to the fact that the only thought processes I had were suicidal ones because of the damn weather. NO ONE wants to read those ramblings...not even me. But  thankfully, I started drinking Rockstars again and feel MUCH better :) Until next time...



5 comments:

Anonymous said...

This rocks :) Keep up the good work..I am definitely subscribing :) Can't wait to see whats next!

P!ed P!per said...

I actually love winter... lol. I like bundling up and playing in the snow... hell the way i figure it, you can always put more clothes on, but i can only get naked in the heat... and i doubt everyone wants to see my jawns like that...

Still, fun read! i'll look for more in the future!

Teddy Graham said...

Lol cute. I just dig summer more...for the same reason :) Glad you enjoyed the writing, if not the topic :) I look forward to reading more of yours as well!

Corey said...

Just be glad sweetie that you don't live in SoDak like me. Our daytime high for the past week has been -3 (yes, negative three is the warmest it has gotten in the past seven days). Yesterday I changed headlights out in the parking lot while it was -13 out. Froze my nuts off in the process. BRRRRRR. at least it's a dry cold...

Erica said...

you are effin hilarious...I <3 it. our outlook is so alike, its scary :)